Parenting Style: My parents

How would you describe your parents' parenting style? What kinds of discipline were used in your family? Do you, or would you discipline your own children in similar or different ways? What would you advise other parents about disciplining their children?

My parents had very high demands and stern disciplines on their two children, my brother and I. They stressed fairness and equality between siblings and so their demands were equally applied to both of us. We were not allowed to stay overnight at anywhere outside home, not even at close friends or relatives’ home, or camping. The restriction still applies now, only it is slightly more relaxed. We were not allowed to have any coca cola, coffee, English tea, which has caffeine; and not to say cigarettes, although my father smoked quite a lot before he passed away. We must be humble and polite, respecting and obeying parents and teachers’ words. We must wear slippers at home, and wash hands when we get home. We had to try our very best at school, must not made any careless mistakes in our test and exams, and this meant that I would be beaten up if I got marks below 95/100, and for my brother below 60/100. The difference in marks reflected my mother’s understanding of our different abilities and therefore different benchmarks, but to us the same level of difficulty.

Upon questioning, when we can explain themselves, if it was determined that we did not comply to the rules or parental authority without good reasons, this would resulted in physical punishment on arms and legs by clothes hangers, or a slim bamboo stick specially made for children’s physical punishment that housewives can easily buy from groceries; or by chopsticks. For safety reasons, my parents would not allow physical punishment on the head, face, or body trunk. Therefore, in terms of control, my parents were parent-centered rather than child-centered, and they demanded absolute compliance of us to their parental authority, but my mother was based on different ideology from my father’s. The difference in ideology was related to parent’s sensitivity to children’s needs.


The rules were set by my parents with little or no discussion with us; therefore, they are parent-centered. However, these rules were what my parents thought were our needs. Therefore, these disciplinary measures, together with their providence of food, shelter and care were their expression of parental love and sensitivity. For my father, fulfilling his children’s basic needs in food, shelter, and education was his biggest responsibility, our most important needs. Being the father, head of household, and the only provider of these vital needs, he reminded us of these roles often, he has the authority to decide for us, over-ride our wishes, and to demand from us obedience and high performance in return. His reasons for any discipline or rules were taught to us and lied down onto us without a question. As a child, I remembered them as absolute teachings, and thought that these were all I need, and did not realize I need anything, especially psychological needs. Therefore, I would consider my father quite insensitive to our needs, and that I was also unaware of my needs too when I was a child. My father would decide for me whether I should take up an instrument, or a language, or what school to go to before my secondary school. He decided that I should go to learn piano, and then seeing that my homework was too much for me, he decided that I was to quit.


My mother also demanded complete compliance, and parental love was also not overtly expressed with affection, praises, but through her care and discipline. She had a different ideology of claiming authority from my father’s. She firmly believed and taught us that her commands were to our best interest and benefits in the long run, and as children, she could understand that we might not see it because we did not know what it would be like when a child grow up, and what a child needs as he/she grows up to be a useful and industrious adult. I cannot explain, but I trusted her, so I mostly felt very guilty when I cannot complied to her, and agreed with her physical punishment, as she has clear reasons whether she applied them, all physical and non-physical punishment, eg, not being allowed to watch TV because we had not finished our homework in the agreed time. She was actually stricter than our father, and because she was very much involved in everything we did and in our daily lives, we received more punishments from her than our father. She used most of her time on our disciplines and with time I also benefit a lot from having a good self-care, studying habit, perseverance in academic work, politeness and humbleness in my relationship with peers and adults, under her strict discipline. Her rules and punishments were very much tailored to train our specific routines, and what we need to develop as a child, and relevant to our likes and dislikes.


I would therefore consider both my parents authoritarian, in that they both have high demands and lack of affection. My father fitted better in this category as he might be quite insensitive to our needs too. However, I would consider my mother an authoritative and authoritarian parent, because she was also very much involved and cared about in all of our lives as a child, and very responsive and sensitive to our developments, abilities, and yet non-expressive of her affection, and weighted low on our psychological needs.


As an adult now, I am more and more grateful of my mother’s discipline and shaping of my abilities and as a responsible person. I truly did not think children can decide for themselves at small age, what they need, and even what they like, as they have not been exposed to enough to know their abilities and tastes. I agree that there is a range of abilities and propensities in every child and they can be shaped during children in directions that would foster accomplishments and a responsible attitude as an adult. My mother put a lot of emphasis in her disciplinary design to shape our language development, and I have to say, that is the best access I have now, and it would be very difficult to re-develop that area in adulthood. We have sensible mastery of English and Chinese, and this could not have developed from my likes or dislikes as a child.

I would recommend parents to be sensitive to the abilities, likes and propensities of their children, and yet they can still shape their children accordingly with reasonable and clearly communicated rules and guidelines.

When I was young...younger

a home gal, stay close to my family

I have been staying with my family like most people all through my childhood and even now. I was only away from my family, when I did my first degree in UK. After that 3 years of overseas study, I came back home to do my research degrees.

as a little gal

When I was 10 to 12, physically and psychosocially, I was still very much in my childhood. I stayed as my parents?good girl at home, and mainly depended on their recognition and affection until 12. My dependence on my family for social support dropped significantly when I went to secondary school at 13 years old.

Ballet... my Ballet

Ballet meant a lot to me too. I started at 3 and continued until 18. There was 2-3 years that I had to stop because of some blood disease at 6-8. I got back to it as soon as the doctor allowed me to do so. At about 13, my father read from a newspaper by some Chinese bone doctor saying that Ballet dancing is hazardous to bone growth in girls, my father started to object it strongly. I did not comply, and everytime I need to pay the dance tuition fees, he would say this and that, until I decided to get some small jobs to pay myself. He stopped paying it as a material way of objection too. But I had already got myself a few freelance jobs as primary children's private tutor. I have to work around 6 hrs/week to pay for the fees, and the point shoes. They broke/worn out so quickly, I had to keep buying them.


End of my Ballet life


I had this very strong and (to me) strange feeling (as I had not got anyone to talk to, I didn't know if it is normal or not) of the lost of personal identity too when I quitted at 18. It was a very difficult decision for me, and a decision that I cannot quite accept. I kind of have a strong sense of shame to quit it, although I told myself that this was nothing shameful I have done, after so many years of perserverance and hard work. I had at a certain point, very briefly, but kind of seriously and secretely (privately), of doing dancing as a career.

But I had the sense to know that my talent was not enough (far below) to make this a career, and it was impossible for me (even more so for my parents) to image NOT furthering my studies after high school and just dance. On the other hand, I really had NOT got any other thing that I commit so much of myself into that it is like all of my life apart from studying. I did not realize how it had gradually become part of me in the process of sweating, stretching, bleeding (I always bleed after dancing with the point shoes over 40mins, I had a strange foot shape and I still had not got right my shoes after buying many of them....), all the failures and the little success in overcoming bit by bit (this position, this step..oh I can do it with more grace now..etc), forsaking time and money just for Ballet.

Can't face quiting Ballet

I guess my character of 'fighting my own battles silently, alone, in perseverance' developed through the long years of Ballet. When I quit, I still could not overcome some barriers in Ballet, even after much much effort, partly because of a bad teacher in my first 12 years of dancing, and also because of the shape of my feet.

• Even though I was not a very good dancer, my identity as a sincere and delicated Ballet student (privately) has get rooted deep inside. I just did not quite know who I was, and what I was to do..like I get light-headed and can't balance myself without this identity and this habit and this passion. I did not tell anyone that I quitted it. I didn't, not even my friends and my family.

• I remembered I even lied about it when I got caught by a nosy relative, who wasn't able to find me at my Ballet school and people told her that I'd quitted quite some time already. To me it was such an unacceptable decision made by myself, and such an unacceptable lost of identity, lost of my life, and I just can't face this lost and this shame.

After Ballet --> Jogging --> Flamenco

I turned to running ah after I quitted Ballet............. I just found that I can run for a long time ( I know this must be from the hardship in Ballet), and so I can easily got medals at school for 400m, 800m without training.

• So I just hide/rest in this sport afterwards. I even got into a cross-country college team later and get some training and races experience on it. But I am not very good, I just follow what I was trained or told to by the coaches and the team members. And we were quite a close team at that time. I was in my early twenties.
• I never liked or good at ball games. I just do the kind of sports that is physically ...er ..er.. enduring.. like swimming, running endlessly, and I can just be by myself . No need to cooperate with anyone and go whenever I feel like to.

Later, I found out that Flamingo is something you can dance on your own, and I like the rhythmic, exotic quality of it. I learned a bit of it in my late twenties when I can't find any course in HK . I got a 4-week trip to Spain and learn it full-time there, but just for 4 weeks. I sometimes do it at night at the Park when no body would look at me.

Strict AND Liberal Parents

My parents were not very harsh, actually quite liberal since my adolescence (at 13), when I got into a very famous secondary school. I did not know why. Probably I had already gained their trust that I would try my best academically. Also because the subjects got so difficult and out of their control all of the sudden, so I was left to deal with it myself.

• In my primary 6-12, I was like always the best student or won awards on painting, craft, and other academical subjects and with very good conduct. It was to a large extant the work of my mom, who would beat me up if I got 96/100..and I had bruise on my legs and arms.
• I didn't tell friends because people would think my mom being unreasonable or that I was showing off how smart I was..even consider 96/100 a low mark that worth punishment...

• Well... I did think my mom was reasonable because she had explained clearly to me how to do this and that and I also understood and I also believed that it was within my normal ability (not too harsh to get it) to just get everything correct.
  

Hardship at a school when I did not belong to

However, when I got into that famous secondary school, I was the worst on all academic subjects, except craft & arts and sports (bec I danced), and was being looked down upon by teachers and classmates because of my poor English and my lower middle class background.

• They were like among the richest and famous families in town. I only got a bare pass and often failed my test etc.

• Yet, my parents did not feel a bit ashamed, nor angered with me. They encouraged and tried to help although can't do much. They gave me a freehand on it. They had no problem that I had all these failes.. and the despising eye from the teachers. They just be calm and still felt proud of me. So I struggled on my own. I struggled to find a place among my peers at school.

• Gradually I came to be at peace with my lower status and be happy with it as I am from a different world from them. I continued with my low marks, very much behind others, but I was contented that I did make a lot of improvement because of peer pressure to excel. I did not excel like them, but I did improve a lot and my horizon widened a lot through their eyes too. And quite a lot of them enjoyed my company, because of my sincerity and also because I was (still am) of no compare with them and they felt very safe with me.

My relationships with my schoolmates (upper class)

• Quite a lot of them shared their deepest secrets with me (and I came to know quite a lot of secret stuff in these famous families), and came to see me as an important friend or even their very close friend. I became more and more comfortable with me. However, only until now when I looked back, I did not really thought of them as my close friends at all. It was like I was their friend, even very good friend, but none of them were my good friends. I roughly had 1-2 close friends out of being many of them's close friend.

I am a good friend or close friend to many of them at that school. I do see things like them, as trained by the school. The graduates can sometimes recognize each other when they are out at work, as there is something common ( I can't quite tell how) ...others said that it is the elegance...or ...er er.. I guess a lot of the famous gal schools (most of them have a long history and are led by Catholic fathers/sisters) in my town produce graduates of this kind of 'air'.

• These schools produce a lot of the high officials and famous entrepreneurs in HK, the so-called upper class in the city. When these graduates moved out to the society...we can find out each other. I don't know if I have that 'air', but I do recognize them sometimes when we have grown up and in the workplace.
• A lot of my schoolmates move into the lawyer thing and accountant business and they do recognise each other fairly soon and graduates of different years are linked up easily and help each other in their strive up the ladder. I know nobody from my school who works in my field ..so I am always the odd one out, as it always have been.

• I don't belong to them though, so I was just their friend, and not quite the vice versa. I think I had 1-2 who were my close friends at that time. One of them was from the lower class, and she was to me a very respectable person. She worked diligently (while I just fool around and be happy with my low grades) with the very limited resources she had. She even got up to 8th-grade in violin! We were always worrying or working for $$ to pay for our hobbys and her hobby - violin is much more expensive than my pointe shoes & lessons. I just thought that she was God.

My dear friends are devoted to the faith we share

If you ask me now..I only have my best friends, in terms of mind & emotional support & social life, from my uni (in my early 20s) and workplace, and my seminary. And they are my best friends, and also vice versa (I am really happy, reciprical friends) because we are soooo close in the above 3 areas as Christians.

• It is a very funny and different story about my church...I don't quite understand I won't consider them my personal friends but we are supportive to each other. But a few other Christians I knew from the above 3 places I really take them as my personal friends.
• As usual, I am many people's friend.....just not quite the reverse. I studied once full-time at a Christian seminary, it was a very important decision.
• And I was in HEAVEN... the happiest time of my life. I really had strong friendships there, although we are like from very different walks of life

My family gave me a freehand. I have little attachment with or quite independent from them

In a way, I would say my family has little role in all of these struggles I went through in my late teens, twenties, and early thirties. They made three strong objections during my adolescence (as above + my wish to study Psy at univ.), and we were quite tense at that time.

• But I'd usually be quiet, silently listened to what they said, considered a bit, and quietly went on with my decisions. I may explain a bit along, but if I get a very strong no, and they started to use their authority as parent to change me, I'd explain a bit, and they'd get very furious, and I would keep quiet.
• Then everytime they started the fight, I'd be quiet. For Ballet and Tin Toaism, I just very silently continue with them, try to mind my own business.

• For Psychology, I waited and delayed it. My father is a very traditional Chinese. Well, that means pragmatic and capitalistic. He escaped from Communist. He liked the British's rule. He liked everything, practical thing provided by the local govt, like education etc. But in blood, he is Chinese and like Chinese culture, just not the Chinese religions, like communism is a kind of religion too. Pragmatism and capitalism ARE the KEY features of Chinese parents in my city. Psy is bad because you can't earn much $$. So I took accountancy. Ha.
• My mom is a modern Cosmopolitan Chinese. She is more liberal. So I took up Psychology in UK after my father died.