Parenting Style: My parents

How would you describe your parents' parenting style? What kinds of discipline were used in your family? Do you, or would you discipline your own children in similar or different ways? What would you advise other parents about disciplining their children?

My parents had very high demands and stern disciplines on their two children, my brother and I. They stressed fairness and equality between siblings and so their demands were equally applied to both of us. We were not allowed to stay overnight at anywhere outside home, not even at close friends or relatives’ home, or camping. The restriction still applies now, only it is slightly more relaxed. We were not allowed to have any coca cola, coffee, English tea, which has caffeine; and not to say cigarettes, although my father smoked quite a lot before he passed away. We must be humble and polite, respecting and obeying parents and teachers’ words. We must wear slippers at home, and wash hands when we get home. We had to try our very best at school, must not made any careless mistakes in our test and exams, and this meant that I would be beaten up if I got marks below 95/100, and for my brother below 60/100. The difference in marks reflected my mother’s understanding of our different abilities and therefore different benchmarks, but to us the same level of difficulty.

Upon questioning, when we can explain themselves, if it was determined that we did not comply to the rules or parental authority without good reasons, this would resulted in physical punishment on arms and legs by clothes hangers, or a slim bamboo stick specially made for children’s physical punishment that housewives can easily buy from groceries; or by chopsticks. For safety reasons, my parents would not allow physical punishment on the head, face, or body trunk. Therefore, in terms of control, my parents were parent-centered rather than child-centered, and they demanded absolute compliance of us to their parental authority, but my mother was based on different ideology from my father’s. The difference in ideology was related to parent’s sensitivity to children’s needs.


The rules were set by my parents with little or no discussion with us; therefore, they are parent-centered. However, these rules were what my parents thought were our needs. Therefore, these disciplinary measures, together with their providence of food, shelter and care were their expression of parental love and sensitivity. For my father, fulfilling his children’s basic needs in food, shelter, and education was his biggest responsibility, our most important needs. Being the father, head of household, and the only provider of these vital needs, he reminded us of these roles often, he has the authority to decide for us, over-ride our wishes, and to demand from us obedience and high performance in return. His reasons for any discipline or rules were taught to us and lied down onto us without a question. As a child, I remembered them as absolute teachings, and thought that these were all I need, and did not realize I need anything, especially psychological needs. Therefore, I would consider my father quite insensitive to our needs, and that I was also unaware of my needs too when I was a child. My father would decide for me whether I should take up an instrument, or a language, or what school to go to before my secondary school. He decided that I should go to learn piano, and then seeing that my homework was too much for me, he decided that I was to quit.


My mother also demanded complete compliance, and parental love was also not overtly expressed with affection, praises, but through her care and discipline. She had a different ideology of claiming authority from my father’s. She firmly believed and taught us that her commands were to our best interest and benefits in the long run, and as children, she could understand that we might not see it because we did not know what it would be like when a child grow up, and what a child needs as he/she grows up to be a useful and industrious adult. I cannot explain, but I trusted her, so I mostly felt very guilty when I cannot complied to her, and agreed with her physical punishment, as she has clear reasons whether she applied them, all physical and non-physical punishment, eg, not being allowed to watch TV because we had not finished our homework in the agreed time. She was actually stricter than our father, and because she was very much involved in everything we did and in our daily lives, we received more punishments from her than our father. She used most of her time on our disciplines and with time I also benefit a lot from having a good self-care, studying habit, perseverance in academic work, politeness and humbleness in my relationship with peers and adults, under her strict discipline. Her rules and punishments were very much tailored to train our specific routines, and what we need to develop as a child, and relevant to our likes and dislikes.


I would therefore consider both my parents authoritarian, in that they both have high demands and lack of affection. My father fitted better in this category as he might be quite insensitive to our needs too. However, I would consider my mother an authoritative and authoritarian parent, because she was also very much involved and cared about in all of our lives as a child, and very responsive and sensitive to our developments, abilities, and yet non-expressive of her affection, and weighted low on our psychological needs.


As an adult now, I am more and more grateful of my mother’s discipline and shaping of my abilities and as a responsible person. I truly did not think children can decide for themselves at small age, what they need, and even what they like, as they have not been exposed to enough to know their abilities and tastes. I agree that there is a range of abilities and propensities in every child and they can be shaped during children in directions that would foster accomplishments and a responsible attitude as an adult. My mother put a lot of emphasis in her disciplinary design to shape our language development, and I have to say, that is the best access I have now, and it would be very difficult to re-develop that area in adulthood. We have sensible mastery of English and Chinese, and this could not have developed from my likes or dislikes as a child.

I would recommend parents to be sensitive to the abilities, likes and propensities of their children, and yet they can still shape their children accordingly with reasonable and clearly communicated rules and guidelines.