a home gal, stay close to my family
I have been staying with my family like most people all through my childhood and even now. I was only away from my family, when I did my first degree in UK. After that 3 years of overseas study, I came back home to do my research degrees.
as a little gal
When I was 10 to 12, physically and psychosocially, I was still very much in my childhood. I stayed as my parents?good girl at home, and mainly depended on their recognition and affection until 12. My dependence on my family for social support dropped significantly when I went to secondary school at 13 years old.
Ballet... my Ballet
Ballet meant a lot to me too. I started at 3 and continued until 18. There was 2-3 years that I had to stop because of some blood disease at 6-8. I got back to it as soon as the doctor allowed me to do so. At about 13, my father read from a newspaper by some Chinese bone doctor saying that Ballet dancing is hazardous to bone growth in girls, my father started to object it strongly. I did not comply, and everytime I need to pay the dance tuition fees, he would say this and that, until I decided to get some small jobs to pay myself. He stopped paying it as a material way of objection too. But I had already got myself a few freelance jobs as primary children's private tutor. I have to work around 6 hrs/week to pay for the fees, and the point shoes. They broke/worn out so quickly, I had to keep buying them.
End of my Ballet life
I had this very strong and (to me) strange feeling (as I had not got anyone to talk to, I didn't know if it is normal or not) of the lost of personal identity too when I quitted at 18. It was a very difficult decision for me, and a decision that I cannot quite accept. I kind of have a strong sense of shame to quit it, although I told myself that this was nothing shameful I have done, after so many years of perserverance and hard work. I had at a certain point, very briefly, but kind of seriously and secretely (privately), of doing dancing as a career.
But I had the sense to know that my talent was not enough (far below) to make this a career, and it was impossible for me (even more so for my parents) to image NOT furthering my studies after high school and just dance. On the other hand, I really had NOT got any other thing that I commit so much of myself into that it is like all of my life apart from studying. I did not realize how it had gradually become part of me in the process of sweating, stretching, bleeding (I always bleed after dancing with the point shoes over 40mins, I had a strange foot shape and I still had not got right my shoes after buying many of them....), all the failures and the little success in overcoming bit by bit (this position, this step..oh I can do it with more grace now..etc), forsaking time and money just for Ballet.
Can't face quiting Ballet
I guess my character of 'fighting my own battles silently, alone, in perseverance' developed through the long years of Ballet. When I quit, I still could not overcome some barriers in Ballet, even after much much effort, partly because of a bad teacher in my first 12 years of dancing, and also because of the shape of my feet.
- Even though I was not a very good dancer, my identity as a sincere and delicated Ballet student (privately) has get rooted deep inside. I just did not quite know who I was, and what I was to do..like I get light-headed and can't balance myself without this identity and this habit and this passion. I did not tell anyone that I quitted it. I didn't, not even my friends and my family.
- I remembered I even lied about it when I got caught by a nosy relative, who wasn't able to find me at my Ballet school and people told her that I'd quitted quite some time already. To me it was such an unacceptable decision made by myself, and such an unacceptable lost of identity, lost of my life, and I just can't face this lost and this shame.
I turned to running ah after I quitted Ballet............. I just found that I can run for a long time ( I know this must be from the hardship in Ballet), and so I can easily got medals at school for 400m, 800m without training.
- So I just hide/rest in this sport afterwards. I even got into a cross-country college team later and get some training and races experience on it. But I am not very good, I just follow what I was trained or told to by the coaches and the team members. And we were quite a close team at that time. I was in my early twenties.
- I never liked or good at ball games. I just do the kind of sports that is physically ...er ..er.. enduring.. like swimming, running endlessly, and I can just be by myself . No need to cooperate with anyone and go whenever I feel like to.
Later, I found out that Flamingo is something you can dance on your own, and I like the rhythmic, exotic quality of it. I learned a bit of it in my late twenties when I can't find any course in HK . I got a 4-week trip to Spain and learn it full-time there, but just for 4 weeks. I sometimes do it at night at the Park when no body would look at me.
Strict AND Liberal Parents
My parents were not very harsh, actually quite liberal since my adolescence (at 13), when I got into a very famous secondary school. I did not know why. Probably I had already gained their trust that I would try my best academically. Also because the subjects got so difficult and out of their control all of the sudden, so I was left to deal with it myself.
- In my primary 6-12, I was like always the best student or won awards on painting, craft, and other academical subjects and with very good conduct. It was to a large extant the work of my mom, who would beat me up if I got 96/100..and I had bruise on my legs and arms.
- I didn't tell friends because people would think my mom being unreasonable or that I was showing off how smart I was..even consider 96/100 a low mark that worth punishment...
- Well... I did think my mom was reasonable because she had explained clearly to me how to do this and that and I also understood and I also believed that it was within my normal ability (not too harsh to get it) to just get everything correct.
However, when I got into that famous secondary school, I was the worst on all academic subjects, except craft & arts and sports (bec I danced), and was being looked down upon by teachers and classmates because of my poor English and my lower middle class background.
- They were like among the richest and famous families in town. I only got a bare pass and often failed my test etc.
- Yet, my parents did not feel a bit ashamed, nor angered with me. They encouraged and tried to help although can't do much. They gave me a freehand on it. They had no problem that I had all these failes.. and the despising eye from the teachers. They just be calm and still felt proud of me. So I struggled on my own. I struggled to find a place among my peers at school.
- Gradually I came to be at peace with my lower status and be happy with it as I am from a different world from them. I continued with my low marks, very much behind others, but I was contented that I did make a lot of improvement because of peer pressure to excel. I did not excel like them, but I did improve a lot and my horizon widened a lot through their eyes too. And quite a lot of them enjoyed my company, because of my sincerity and also because I was (still am) of no compare with them and they felt very safe with me.
My relationships with my schoolmates (upper class)
- Quite a lot of them shared their deepest secrets with me (and I came to know quite a lot of secret stuff in these famous families), and came to see me as an important friend or even their very close friend. I became more and more comfortable with me. However, only until now when I looked back, I did not really thought of them as my close friends at all. It was like I was their friend, even very good friend, but none of them were my good friends. I roughly had 1-2 close friends out of being many of them's close friend.
I am a good friend or close friend to many of them at that school. I do see things like them, as trained by the school. The graduates can sometimes recognize each other when they are out at work, as there is something common ( I can't quite tell how) ...others said that it is the elegance...or ...er er.. I guess a lot of the famous gal schools (most of them have a long history and are led by Catholic fathers/sisters) in my town produce graduates of this kind of 'air'.
- These schools produce a lot of the high officials and famous entrepreneurs in HK, the so-called upper class in the city. When these graduates moved out to the society...we can find out each other. I don't know if I have that 'air', but I do recognize them sometimes when we have grown up and in the workplace.
- A lot of my schoolmates move into the lawyer thing and accountant business and they do recognise each other fairly soon and graduates of different years are linked up easily and help each other in their strive up the ladder. I know nobody from my school who works in my field ..so I am always the odd one out, as it always have been.
- I don't belong to them though, so I was just their friend, and not quite the vice versa. I think I had 1-2 who were my close friends at that time. One of them was from the lower class, and she was to me a very respectable person. She worked diligently (while I just fool around and be happy with my low grades) with the very limited resources she had. She even got up to 8th-grade in violin! We were always worrying or working for $$ to pay for our hobbys and her hobby - violin is much more expensive than my pointe shoes & lessons. I just thought that she was God.
If you ask me now..I only have my best friends, in terms of mind & emotional support & social life, from my uni (in my early 20s) and workplace, and my seminary. And they are my best friends, and also vice versa (I am really happy, reciprical friends) because we are soooo close in the above 3 areas as Christians.
- It is a very funny and different story about my church...I don't quite understand I won't consider them my personal friends but we are supportive to each other. But a few other Christians I knew from the above 3 places I really take them as my personal friends.
- As usual, I am many people's friend.....just not quite the reverse. I studied once full-time at a Christian seminary, it was a very important decision.
- And I was in HEAVEN... the happiest time of my life. I really had strong friendships there, although we are like from very different walks of life
In a way, I would say my family has little role in all of these struggles I went through in my late teens, twenties, and early thirties. They made three strong objections during my adolescence (as above + my wish to study Psy at univ.), and we were quite tense at that time.
- But I'd usually be quiet, silently listened to what they said, considered a bit, and quietly went on with my decisions. I may explain a bit along, but if I get a very strong no, and they started to use their authority as parent to change me, I'd explain a bit, and they'd get very furious, and I would keep quiet.
- Then everytime they started the fight, I'd be quiet. For Ballet and Tin Toaism, I just very silently continue with them, try to mind my own business.
- For Psychology, I waited and delayed it. My father is a very traditional Chinese. Well, that means pragmatic and capitalistic. He escaped from Communist. He liked the British's rule. He liked everything, practical thing provided by the local govt, like education etc. But in blood, he is Chinese and like Chinese culture, just not the Chinese religions, like communism is a kind of religion too. Pragmatism and capitalism ARE the KEY features of Chinese parents in my city. Psy is bad because you can't earn much $$. So I took accountancy. Ha.
- My mom is a modern Cosmopolitan Chinese. She is more liberal. So I took up Psychology in UK after my father died.
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